Post 4. Scariest thing in my life

I have an oral fetish...for gum. Aha!! Dirty thinkers out there...got you! Yes I have a thing for gum. I chew gum constantly but, this stems from my nervous energy. I've been through a lot my whole life and at age 4 began biting my nails. A very nasty habit, however, those that bite their nails know how hard it is to quit. It can be compared to quitting cigarettes..almost impossible. What made me stop biting my nails or more like who made me stop is my boyfriend. No he didn't force me, one night while at dinner in Fort Lauderdale at one of our favorite restaurants, he asked me to place my hand in his. I did as he asked, staring at my hand laying in his he said "I love the way that looks, your hand in mine. I love your hands and your nails are so beautiful". He looked up and smiled at me. Of course I melted because he has the most beautiful chocolate colored eyes that have ever gazed at me. From that moment on, his small compliment, his small act of admiration made me never want to bite my nails again. He calms the storm that is always raging within me. I call myself a tempest with passions and emotions swirling within yet calm before you approach. Paul quiets the storm, the nervousness I feel goes away when I am with him. It's the little things that people do that can change someones life. From that day forward I chewed gum.

I like 5 gum, you know that black packet of gum with the 5 on it with green, blue, red accenting. I like the winter mint flavor usually the color is icy blue. They recently started having truth or dare on their gum wrapping. You open the gum and read the truth or dares. You choose one to do or ask a person. The concept is cute, it gets you to open up. The one I picked today was truth. It was a question. It read Truth#5 What is the scariest moment in your life? I gave it some thought. That moment was a one year, two months and eight days ago.

The scariest moment of my life was when I went to see my brothers lifeless body in the funeral home where he was being prepared for service. Mind you I have fears like most people, spiders, heights, dark corners, the after life, etc...but this took over every fear I had and turned into child's play. No one is ever prepared to lose a loved one, especially the younger brother you swore to take care of as a child.
I was so afraid to see him lifeless, that I almost didn't fly out to even go to Virginia where he was living at the time. I have seen death before this is not the stem of my fear, it was seeing him in his sleep like state and want to touch him, hug him, hold him, and know that I can't. To tell him that I love him so much and him not be able to hear me or say it back. It was the fear of facing the reality of his non existence. When I was walking through the hallway and I got halfway there, my knees buckled when I saw him through the doorway laying on the embalming table, I screamed for what felt like an eternity. I couldn't walk. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to die with him. How could someone so precious at 22 be taken away so sudden? I regained my composure to walk up to him, I touched his face and he was cold. Wax like, no life left. My little brother suffered a lot while he was here on earth. He died alone in a place where he shouldn't have been. I buried him the weekend of August 15th, 2013. The scariest and hardest thing. This makes all of my other fears irrational, silly even. I was scared he wouldn't know how much I love him but, I believe we are all borrowing our bodies as vessels until our souls are ready to leave and move into another dimension. And he knows I love him. I truly believe in my heart that he left first because the only thing I feared was death itself, who better than to guide me through my departure when my time comes than my own brother? I didn't say good bye the last time I saw him...I whispered into his ear "see you soon" and closed the casket. Now, I live with the future in my mind but, I make sure I enjoy the moment right here in front of me because the things we didn't say become our fears and regrets and I don't want to have any fears anymore.